Y’all, I have got a POST today. Lauren from not your everyday cinderella is one of my all time favorite bloggers. She’s real, she’s humorous, she loves Jesus, and she’s not afraid to lay it all out there. This is one of those “lay it all out there” posts. And she ROCKS it.
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Hi. My name is Lauren and I’m a recovering perfectionist.
For years and years and years, I thought that I needed to attain perfection in order for God to love me. I mean, sure I went to church every Sunday since the day I was born. I “asked Christ into my heart” when I was eight and was baptized at the end of sixth grade. I’ve known the Christian story all my life. I have amazing parents. So, naturally, I never sin, right?
Um, not so much.
For years, I based my self-worth in how other people saw me. I wanted them to see me as “THAT girl”. You know the one. The girl that knows all the bible stories. The girl that befriends the new girl. The girl that volunteers in the nursery and at Vacation Bible School and everyone says “I want my children to grow up and be just like her.” I set it in my mind that I wanted to achieve success in every area of my life. I wanted to be valedictorian and graduate with the “perfect boyfriend” that I would go to college with and we’d be happily married four years later. (If you hadn’t caught on yet- none of that actually happened). When I realized that all my dreams weren’t coming true…it launched me into a state of panic. I tried everything to do it myself, but it wasn’t until I realized that I couldn’t do this life thing on my own that I truly started to live.
What I’ve discovered is that Satan preys on my fears and manipulates them to make me think that I am unworthy of the gospel. He makes me feel that I am not worthy of anyone- much less God’s- love and attention. But, this is so not true. I mean, I can NEVER be “good enough”. In Romans, it says that we have all fallen short of the glory of God. I can only receive salvation through my faith. I really like the Message translation of Psalm 36: 5-7 where it says that God’s love is meteoric. His loyalty astronomic, his purpose titanic, his verdicts oceanic. Yet in his largeness, nothing gets lost; not a man, not a mouse, slips through the cracks. How exquisite your love, O God!” This passage stirs up so many emotions within me. Sometimes I think that I am so small in the grand scheme of things. I mean, think about the size of the universe. It’s huge. Would the God that created the Milky Way ever notice if I was having a crisis? The psalmist answers that question with a resounding YES! I am not too small for God to notice. He created me, so he loves me! He loves me, even though I am unworthy. My fears of inadequacy are useless. In the light of sin, we are all unworthy. Yet, God still sent his son to die for us. Wow. That’s huge. Why should I fear that I’m useless, unworthy, or a failure? Jesus died for me. He thinks I’m everything.
Wasting our lives by worrying doesn’t make anything any better. I don’t know about you, but worrying just stresses me out. Rather than worry, we should place our trust in the Creator. We can trust that he will never leave us. He will never abandon us. He stands with his arms wide open saying, “Come child. Come here and let me hold you. Let me wrap my arms around you. Relax. Don’t be afraid, because I have a marvelous plan for your life. Trust me on this one.” I take comfort in this thought. The thought that a God, so big and mighty that he can create the stars, would take time out of his day to comfort me. Wow. That is amazing!
Maybe you don’t know where I’m coming from in all of this. Maybe you live one of those “perfect lives” that I’ve dreamt of. I don’t know. But, I do know that pursuing perfection isn’t as easy as it sounds. Even when things look great on the outside, sometimes the stuff that’s on the inside, isn’t as pretty. It tears you up on the inside. I don’t want to come across as someone who has it all together, because I don’t. Don’t believe me? Take a look inside my journal.
I mean, am I not good enough? Pretty enough? What? Seriously. Not cool dude. I’m tired of this always happening. And we go back where we always do. “Embracing my singleness as a time of service”. WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE SO HARD??!! That’s it. I’m becoming a nun.
Yes. I just pulled the nun line. It sounds way better than the crazy cat lady. Okay, so I’m a twenty something. Maybe I’m supposed to be concerned about finding a husband. What about my fears that nobody notices me? That I’m simply existing?
I will be thin. And then boys will like me. And I’ll be “pretty”. I kind of wish someone would figure it out though. A part of me would like the attention. I mean, I’m trying- and failing!- to cry for help. And nobody is listening. That’s how it is here. I’m ignored. If I’m not having a panic attack, I’m simply existing. I need love. I need attention. I want someone to care.
I think the thing I’ve struggled with the most is my weight. Say what? I mean, people tell me I’m “thin” all the time…but I don’t believe them. It’s not because I think that I’m overweight- I know that I’m not. It’s more the fact that it’s not something that I can control. I like control. This is something that is really hard for me to admit. Mostly because even though I’m a “recovering perfectionist”, this is still an area I struggle with.
I have a problem with perfectionism. I can’t shake it. I’m tired of secret keeping. I’m tired to being ashamed of my struggles. I need people to know I still get suicidal. I consider starving myself to be thin. I idolize anorexics. I get anxious when things change. I need people to love me for me. Not for the girl I’m pretending to be. I need to know it will all be okay. I need to feel love. But I think people will abandon me when they see what I’ve done.
I’m struggling right now to find the fine line. I’m struggling in leading my girls. I feel myself falling into the dark hole and I don’t like it. I don’t want to be consumed about my weight. I just want to be loved. And needed. And wanted.
Here it is. All out the in open. It’s kind of scary to let people into your world. (Right now, I’m having an insecure moment and wondering whether I should go through with this or not. Please still love me.) But, as I said in one of my journal entries “I’m tired of being ashamed of my struggles”. Here’s the secret- all of the things I struggle with are lies that have been fed to me by Satan. He is the one that is telling me that I’m not pretty enough. That no boy would ever want me. That I’m unwanted. That I can’t lead my girls because I have too many problems. Those things? That’s all Satan. God thinks I’m beautiful. I was created in his image and he has a plan for my life. He needs me and wants me. His wonderful plan for my life will bring glory to His name! It is wonderful and magnificent, and I cannot begin to imagine it. It’s okay that I’m not perfect. God uses imperfect people, too.
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Lesson learned. It’s okay that we’re not perfect. We weren’t meant to be. We are made whole because there is a PERFECT Christ who loves imperfect ol’ us. Because of Him, we will never have to “be enough”. We will never lose grace, we will never lose love, we will never lose the power of the blood of Jesus.
Does that free anyone today, or is that just me?