I don’t know all of your stories. I don’t know what you’ve been through, what makes you cry, or the fears that are hidden deep in your heart. But, I know mine. Whenever I post something really personal I pray that, in some way, God would use it. Maybe he will take my brokenness to remind you that he is the only one capable of fixing us. Maybe God will use it to show you that everyone struggles… and you’re NEVER too far gone. How he will use it, I don’t know. But, here’s my heart.
The past few weeks I’ve hardly slept through the night. I’ve woken up several times a night with a heavy feeling on my heart. Several life things have been fighting for my attention. Honestly, there have been some obsessive moments where I can’t seem to move my thoughts to anything else.
The tears have come easily this week. The hard moments in life have hit me full force. And I have been terrified. At the beginning of 2011, I went through a depression. The reason is unknown and I honestly don’t think I ever will. All I know is that I was consumed in darkness and didn’t know a way out. I believed every single lie the Evil One told me. I was lonely, I was hurting, I was lost.
Since then, God has so radically changed my life. In just the past few months he has changed me in ways that I never could have imagined. My relationship with him is growing in ways that it never has. And the Devil is hitting me hard. As things are changing, the fear of going back into that dark place is evident. The fear of being alone is on the forefront.
That sweet boy of mine is finishing up his undergraduate degree this week. After 4 1/2 years, I am so proud that his last days have finally arrived. Although I’ll still get to see him often, the “college days” of our relationship are coming to a close. Dealing with change is hard, especially this one for me. It has hit me in the little moments.
Pulling our dinner out of the oven.
Hearing the handle turn as he comes to my house.
Watching “our shows” together.
In some ways, I feel as though he’s all I have in this little college town. I have been scared to death to start school in January with the same pit in my stomach that I had in January of 2011. Over the past few days I have said “I don’t want to go back, I don’t want to go back” over and over.
My fear has overshadowed my trust in Christ. But, I refuse to let that be my story. I want this to strengthen my relationship with Christ. I don’t want to believe the Evil One when he tells me that I am alone and unloved. Because I’m not. And you’re not either.
I got an encouraging email from Jamie the other day and she said “you are best friends with the King of the Universe… that will get you through anything!” In the moments where I’m tempted to believe I’m alone, I ‘ll remember that I have a friend who will never leave. A friend who is my rock, my defense.
When I find myself in the shadows of this life with a heart full of fear and doubt, I will remember that I’m forever in the shadow the saves. The only shadow I’ll ever be content to stay in. The shadow of the cross.