We've been trying to get pregnant for a year. I wrote that and then stared at the screen for 5 minutes. Where do I go from there? How do I tell this story? How do I possibly begin to explain this year that we've had? Let me start off by saying this, I know the facts. If I've heard one tip on how to get pregnant, I've heard 5,000. I know that trying for a year is completely normal and lots of people don't conceive right away. I totally get that. I'm not sharing our story and opening up about the year that we've had because I want your tips. Honestly, I do not want your tips. I don't want to know "what worked for you" or how if I "stop stressing it'll happen." I don't tell you our story so that you feel sorry for us. I don't even tell you our story for our sake at all. I want to tell you our story because it tells a bigger story of Him and how we've been stretched because of it. I tell you our story because the Lord has used it to open my eyes to sin. I tell you our story because it's been a season of intense spiritual struggle and growth. I tell you our story because it's an opportunity to show struggle and how Jesus meets us right there. I pray that the Lord would use this vulnerability in your life. I pray that He would convict you over areas of sin in your own lives as I'm honest about areas of sin in mine. It's my prayer that you would be changed and He would be glorified.
I am a planner by nature. I know what I want, when I want it, and how I think it should happen. I like plans because they make sense. Everything works out well and it's smooth sailing for me. Last summer we began talking about our ideal timeline for a baby. We talked about what would be best in our wedding schedule and how we would work out all the details. I felt good and excited about the plan that we had made and I was thrilled to have every aspect of it work out just so. So fall came and my excitement grew. We're going to make this happen! Yay baby! We talked about it all the time. We imagined what it would be like to have a baby in the house. We sat around the Christmas tree last Christmas morning talking about how different next Christmas would look. We would have a tiny squishy baby to celebrate with! We enjoyed our "last Christmas" just the two of us.
The months continued to go by and each one made me increasingly anxious. I felt less and less in control of the situation and I didn't like that one bit. February came, my cycle was late, and I just knew that it was the month. Hope turned to disappointment and frustration. Why God? Why aren't you letting this happen when we've already worked out our plan so perfectly? God was not responding to my plans the way I wanted Him to. God was not letting me play God and I was frustrated. Months continued to pass and each one brought more pregnancy announcements. It seemed like EVERY PERSON I HAVE EVER MET IN THE HISTORY OF MY LIFE WAS PREGNANT. Each announcement brought jealousy and continued doubt in the Lord. I didn't ask "Why them?", but I continually asked "Why not us?" I began to struggle with so much doubt. What must be wrong with us that we aren't worthy of the gift of a baby? Why are we the ones waiting when it seems like God is answering prayers for others left and right? I begin to doubt God's goodness. I was angry. Like, really really angry. July came and I had a false positive pregnancy test. Tears of joy turned to sobs of grief in the matter of an hour. That was by far the worst month I've had. Probably ever in my life. My hurt ran deep and my sin ran deeper. I've never been angrier, more hurt, or more disappointed in my whole life. My relationship with Jesus was rocked. I rarely made it through a whole day without sobbing through my anger.
I didn't know what to do with my relationship with the Lord. Some days, scripture would be nourishment to my soul and then the next day I couldn't even talk to Him because I was so angry. It was a roller coaster for weeks. But, the Lord continued to pursue me.
One of my biggest struggles in life is being a "good girl". I grew up the good girl, I was praised for being the good girl, I was looked up to for being the good girl. But, the good girl so often forgets her need for Jesus. In all of her "good girl-ness" she forgets about mercy and grace and how there's nothing good inside her but Jesus. This was a point in my life where I saw that good girl shatter. I was so incredibly broken. I felt physically broken. I looked at my life and all I saw was this big giant mess. The Lord used this season of waiting to point out big sin in my heart. He used this season to point out how often I rely on myself instead of Him. He's thus far withheld a baby from us because there's something greater we're learning in the meantime.
I am wrecked. I am utterly and completely wrecked.
My sin is so great. My fleshly desire for what I want, when I want it has been so consuming to my life. I have so easily focused on my circumstances and the gaps I feel in my own life instead of looking to the One who fills every single gap in my heart. My heart has slowly been opened to the fact that this struggle isn't about a baby or a family or a pregnancy at all. This struggle is a deep, human struggle over letting go of control and allowing Christ to rule in my heart. So many days over this past year I've wanted to be my own lord. I want to decide what happens and when I want full control. My life crumbles when that happens. I cannot bear the weight of controlling my own life. It will never, ever work. But, as I've let Jesus seep into these hard places of my heart, I've begun to see what it means to really love Him and trust Him and lean into Him.
I am so thankful for this year of waiting. I am so thankful that the Lord did not fulfill my desires exactly when I wanted them fulfilled. Because where I am now is so much greater.
Yes, I believe that when we have that baby, whether it is biological or adopted, my heart will feel things that it's never felt before. I believe I'll feel purpose in a new way.
But a baby never can or will fulfill my heart. Only Jesus can.
I have a deep reliance on Christ. I cannot make it through a day without Him. I need him every minute, every hour, every day to fill me with His spirit. Because I can have joy here. I can have joy here in this struggle. I can have joy in my longing. I can wake up each morning and lay my desire to be a mama at His feet. I can wake up and say "You are greater than any desire I'll ever have!" Because He is! Since August, I've really felt the Lord working in my heart and in these sinful places of me. I've felt so many shifts over the past few weeks especially. I'm increasingly thankful for this season. I see what it's done and is doing for our marriage. I love Tyler so fiercely some days I can hardly stand it. We've had moments in our marriage that some will never get. I've been challenged in my walk with Jesus in ways that I didn't even know existed. I'm constantly being refined in the fire. And I don't want it to stop. I wouldn't trade these days for the world. I wouldn't take back one day of waiting because Jesus has been here. He's been here even when I've pushed Him away. He's been here even when I've been so deep in my sin I couldn't see a way out.
I am so thankful that He's given me a space where I can share this with others. Because at the end of the day, it's not about a baby at all. It's about a relationship with Him that needs to be refined and I want to be closer to Jesus everyday because of it. And this can be you. No matter your circumstance, you can have more of Jesus. You can trust Him with more of your life.
I still have days where I want more control and when I want it my way. But Jesus is there with grace. Oh, I've seen the goodness of God and I could just cry about it all day long. He is so good. And even if we never have biological children, I can say that with joy. He is a good, good Father. His goodness has nothing to do with my circumstances. Joy has nothing to do with my circumstances and everything to do with my relationship with Jesus. Joy comes from salvation. I have to constantly remember the joy of my salvation (Psalm 51:12) because it is GOOD.
Even if I find out that we're pregnant tomorrow, I'll never regret being open and honest and vulnerable with you here today. Because my struggle has come through the waiting. Jesus has moved in this season. I want to take this opportunity to tell you that I'm a mess without Jesus and my only hope is in Him. So no matter what this journey looks like for us, I'll never regret for a second being open with you about my sin and my struggle. Because it's worth it.
I could go on and on and on in this post. I still have so much to say and I think it'll come in time. I want you to be encouraged. Maybe you've been trying to have a baby for 2 months or 4 years or you've adopted and you're holding out hope for a biological baby. I want you to know that it's okay. It's okay to struggle. It's okay to desire it fiercely. It's okay to be honest with God about it. In these moments of struggle we have the greatest opportunity to be closer to the heart of God. And sister, this is a sweet sweet thing. So no matter where you are, lean in. It's worth it. He's worth it.
He will be faithful to you.
To me.
"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28
"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28