The past few weeks have been a rollercoaster to say the very least. I feel like I go through every single emotion every single day. This morning as I did my quiet time I was reminded of just how sinful I am and just how much I need Jesus. The past few weeks have been some of the most exciting and sweet days of my life. But, despite that, I still struggle with jealousy. I sometimes still feel that pit in my stomach when I see a pregnancy announcement or a mama with a growing bump at the grocery store. I still have selfish, bitter moments when I want to ask God why I don't get some of the things pregnant mamas get. The struggle is still real, y'all. SO STINKIN' REAL. This morning as I really looked at my sinfulness I was reminded that even if I had all the babies my heart desired I still wouldn't be fulfilled and I would still be a sinner in need of Jesus daily. There is literally no one and no thing on this earth that will satisfy my soul apart from Jesus. When I look at my life and my desires through that perspective, I'll have more contentment, more joy, and I'll be able to enjoy life day to day.
Right before Christmas I hosted a small group of women at our house for a really unique party. Each gal brought a gift that represented their walk with Jesus in 2015 and as we exchanged we each got to tell our story and what the Lord had been doing in our lives. When the very last gift was opened and a sweet friend shared her story, I was wrecked. I won't go into detail about what she said, but I ended the night sobbing to Tyler and apologizing for how my desire for a baby had completely taken priority over our marriage. Over the relationship that God ordained to be first in my life after Him. After that night, I couldn't stop thinking about our marriage. I want my husband to be my number one earthly priority always.
As we jumped into the adoption process, I saw how easily it would be for me to become completely obsessed. Obsessing over fundraisers, paperwork, getting our home ready, and being matched. Over the past several days, I've thought about how we are probably in our last year of marriage without a baby and possibly our last few months of marriage without a baby. I do not want to wish this away. I do not want to be so fixated on the future that I am missing the greatest blessing HERE and NOW. My life is not on hold until I am a mama. My life is happening now. My purpose is now. My mission is now. I don't want to miss out on opportunities to be obedient because I'm so ready for the future. I don't want to miss out on ways that I can minister and serve my husband because I'm just so ready for a baby to be in our home. I want my days to be filled with thanksgiving for all the Lord has done. I want to live with contentment because I know I'm living in the Lord's will NOW. I want to use these days to pursue my husband because I can never get them back.
I'm sobbing at my desk as I write this because I'm just so brokenhearted over all the moments and days that I've already missed. All the opportunities to serve him and love him because of my obsession over babies. And not just the times I've missed with him, but the times I've missed with others. I don't want to waste these days. I want the Lord to work in the waiting. I want to really live life in the waiting. Because I know life is just one big waiting game. I know that it probably won't be too long after this babe comes that my heart will desire another baby. And then another baby. And then maybe a new house, a new job, a new whatever. But, I want my heart's desire to be Jesus. I want my eyes to be fixed on Heaven. Because ultimately I will always, always be waiting. Because I'm waiting on Jesus to come back. THAT is the waiting I want to focus on. When my eyes are fixed on Heaven, all of this waiting won't seem as big. Contentment will reign in my heart.
These next few months are going to be rich marriage months. Intimate family moments as we enter our last days as a family of two. I want to be obedient in this season. I want my eyes to be fixed on Jesus and I want to choose to put our marriage above all other earthly things.
In honor of three sweet years of marriage, here are a few of my favorite images from our session with Taylor Dane Photography. I pray these images always remind me of this season of life. The hard, the ugly, the sweet, and the exciting.