May 18th was a game changer. Not only did I learn about my growing, changing body and the little life inside, but the Lord began to stretch everything I knew about my walk with Him. Y'all, I love mornings. Like LOVE mornings!!!! Even when I taught and had to be up earlier than I do now, it was still my favorite time of day. There is nothing like getting up when it's still a little dark outside, grabbing a cup of coffee, lighting a candle, and sitting down with my bible and journal. It was my most favorite part of the day. Journaling, studying, doing my "routine" in scripture is what I liked. It's how I learned. It's how I felt like I connected with the Lord daily.
And then I got pregnant.
My "morning person" habits were gone. I started sleeping like a teenager, coffee made me throw up, and I didn't have a consistent morning routine. And I hated it. All of a sudden, my whole world seemed to change and I really struggled with figuring out what time with the Lord looked like after that. All of a sudden, my sweet morning routine wasn't happening and I felt incredibly disconnected from the Lord. Journaling, highlighting, studying.... It's how I've always done it. What was I supposed to do now?
I wish I had a clear answer of what I did, what worked, and how I found a deeper relationship with the Lord through it. But I don't. It's still a really hard struggle for me. This morning was the first morning that I was able to get up earlier, fix a cup of coffee (decaf! And I didn't throw up! Win!), and sit down with all my favorite materials in a really long time. I LOVED it and it was a sweet time of jumping in the word and digging into scripture. But what about when the babies come? What happens when my whole world is flipped upside down and this long, quiet time isn't happening as often? What if it's just me and my bible app as I feed a baby? What if I have to listen to scripture as I change diapers instead of sitting down and actually reading? I don't know the answer to these questions. I don't know how things will change.
I share all of this with you because I want you to be reminded that I don't have it all together. I don't have all the answers and I don't have life tied up neat in a bow. I'm still very much in the thick of it. Really being challenged in my walk with the Lord. Really having to dig into what it means to walk with Him consistently, not just have a "routine", because I think there's a difference.
I want my babies to grow up seeing me in the word. I want them to see it being a priority in my life. I want them to see worship in the mundane. I'm desperately longing for more of Jesus in this season.
I wish I had some answers with how I'm actively walking through this season, but I don't. I'm learning daily as I go. A few weeks ago I started a year long bible reading plan because I really do need to consistency of knowing what to read instead of bouncing around the entire bible. So far, this really has been a help. I want to be committed to this plan because I want the Lord to stretch the way I spend time with Him. I want to be challenged to dig deeper and find time with Him even if I can't sit down with my journal, coffee, and candle. I'm praying that over this next year, the Lord will bring me into a deeper relationship with Him. One that isn't dependent upon just a routine, but one that is dependent upon Him alone.