I feel like I have so much to say, yet nothing to say all at the same time. I have some big heart issues that are dying to manifest themselves onto a page, but my fingers just can't seem to strike the keys. I've stared at my computer. Then, I've picked up my bible instead. I've pulled up a blank page, and then I've clicked right out of it. Tonight I'm in my flannel pajamas on the couch with Bella stretched out beside me and Beaumont pulling out every toy on the floor. Ty is in bed sick and my Villa Bergamot Bath and Body Works candle is burning on the end table. The house is quiet except for the random bickering between these fur-siblings and the occasional comment from Ty. I've got about an hour and a half before bedtime, so I figured now is a pretty good time to start typing and pray the Lord brings clarity with every strike of a key.
Over the past several months the Lord has quietly began to nudge me about this blog. He would put something on my heart, and then I'd try to just rationalize whatever it was that I was doing that the Lord wanted me to change. I mean, blogging isn't like a marriage or a friendship or a career. None of these things the Lord was saying really felt like BIG things so I didn't think much when I just went about my business after the Lord has placed an idea or a thought into my heart.
As the year came to a close, the Lord got serious about making some things known to me. Through different avenues He's began to really push into my heart what He's been quietly whispering to me the past couple of months. Most recently, I've started a bible study called No Other Gods that has basically slapped me in the face. I've never really thought deep about what gods or idols I've placed before the Lord. Yes, I've been aware of things that have hindered my walk with Him, but I've never truly thought of them as idols or really examined my life for idols. In the introduction (I wasn't even technically doing the study yet and the Lord was ALREADY convicting me) Kelly talks about a verse in 2 Kings 17:33 and it says, "They feared the Lord and served their own gods according to the custom of the nations from among whom they had been carried away into exile." This verse hit me BIG. I've always thought of idols or gods as something that I was worshipping. For me, I've had a problem seeing my "worship" of other things. I don't see many things as worship, so I was blind to the idols I had erected. But the word "service"... oh, I see that with 20/20 vision.
Serve. How I spend my time, how I use my resources, what I think about... those things show service. I was slapped in the face with my idol. THIS. Social media, blogging, connecting, planning, writing, designing, building. This has become an idol. It might as well be a six foot tall gold statue that I kiss the feet of every morning. "But God, this place has been so good for me! You've used it so much in my life! You've used this place in the lives of others! This is good!" Kelly Minter shared the definition of a "functional god","An idol is something within creation that is inflated to function as a substitute for God. All sorts of things are potential idols, depending only on our attitudes and actions toward them... Idolatry may not involve explicit denials of God's existence or character. It may well come in the form of an over attachment to something that is, in itself, perfectly good...An idol can be a physical object, a property, a person, an activity, a role, an institution, a hope, an image, an idea, a pleasure, a hero- anything that can substitute for God." (Richard Keyes)
This perfectly good thing, has been turned into an idol because of my attitudes and actions. It's genuinely so hard for me to continue writing this. I'd like to delete the whole thing and just not do it. To state that this has become an idol in my life straight stinks. Like, STINKS. I hate it. It makes me embarrassed and pride wants to push these convictions out the door. But, I know I can't. I've spent lots of time here. Wracking my brain for posts, feeling guilty that I didn't have anything "good", posting something just to put it out there. I've spent lots of energy trying to figure out a "schedule" and work out times to write and stressing myself out when I missed a week and have a mini freak out when I then remembered I have sponsors. And then feeling even worse that I'm not as good as x girl or y girl at promoting their people. And then I get sucked into the cycle of "well, now I need some good content so it'll be worth it for them. I need to get something out there that the people will like." BUT THEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO POST AND I'M STRESSED AGAIN. And I don't feel like I have to even explain social media and the fact that it's now just habit for me to click on an app anytime I have 45 free seconds. Truly it's repulsive. Like, gross. That should not be habit. CONSUMED. That's the word that pops into my head. Basically, you can now see the giant idol that's been blocking my view. Now that I see it, I'm taking a hammer to it and saying "no".
But, wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. Remember all that about how I feel like this is all so GOOD? And yes, I truly believe that it is. I FIERCELY believe the Lord brought blogging into my life for a number of reasons. I'm convinced this is one platform He's entrusted to me. I believe with all my heart that He wants me here. But, He wants me here for Him, not for me. Not to promote myself or do all the blogger things because you're just supposed to. He wants me to be a light and to be genuine and to be a vehicle for the gospel. He wants me to use my life as a tool to share Truth with others. I want to use ALL of my platforms to glorify Him. I want to have a major system to check my motives each and every time I post something. I want this to be habit, to be a routine. I know this will happen the more I remove idols from my life and Jesus truly consumes every crevice of my heart. Less of this, more of Jesus. In return, I know I'll be able to give SO MUCH MORE here because I'm breaking down the idols that stand before the Lord.
So, what does all this mean? After this month, I will no longer be accepting sponsorships or swaps. Maybe this is something the Lord will bring back one day, but as of now It's gone with no plan to ever open back up. My posting here might be a lot more slim. I want to follow what the Lord is calling me to post, along with the things I just truly want to document. No more posts just because I feel like I have to write something to meet some blogger code. Maybe I'll post once a week or twice a month or five days a week. I don't know, and I'm not going to be chained to a routine. I want the Lord to fill this place. I want to spend more quiet time with Him so that when He leads me to share, I'm not bone dry from trying to do x,y,and z in order to keep up. I want to be able to write with clarity because the noise is gone.
Lord Jesus, move here.