My Story of Anxiety
As far back as my memories will take me, anxiety was like another appendage; a part of me no less real than my fingers or toes. From the smallest of schedule changes to first days of school, anxiety was like an unwanted friend always sticking right by my side. As I grew my anxiety grew and changed, too. The specific circumstances might’ve looked different, but the gripping anxiety was there all the same. As I’ve grown to understand myself and my anxiety more in recent years, most of my anxiety comes from a fear of having no control. I’m afraid of change, afraid of a circumstance I can’t direct the outcome, afraid of tragedy, afraid of disappointing others, afraid of not being what I need to be at all times. This fear of not having control was only heightened when our babies came. There are two specific circumstances that come to mind when I think about how anxiety has weaved it’s way into my everyday life. Specifically when the babies were infants but even as late as last summer, I would wake up every single morning and wonder if they were alive. I wasn’t always gripped with panic, but the thought, “I hope they both lived through the night” was on my mind every single morning my eyes popped open and I went to glance at the monitor. The fear of loss of control. The fear of not being able to predict every breath of my babies lives. Crawford was probably around 6 months old when we were in the car as a family together one afternoon running errands and she was asleep in her carseat and panic came over me in a second and I screamed at her to wake up, to make sure she was okay. I startled not only Crawford but Campbell too and within seconds they were both crying. Tyler was confused as to what just happened and I just sat there sobbing in the passenger seat.
Why does this happen to me?
Why can’t I just be okay?
Why does fear overtake even the most mundane of moments?
Why can’t I seem to take all of these thoughts to the Lord?
Anxiety is something that I’ve had to work through my entire life, but it wasn’t until I became a mama that so many of my deepest fears bubbled to the surface. In the spring of 2018 we started working towards getting Campbell evaluated for early intervention services and a year later we were sitting in a small room at a developmental facility in tiny chairs made for toddlers, waiting on two doctors to come back in with results of Campbell’s Autism evaluation. As we sat there and watched Campbell play on the floor, my anxiety started rising. It was in these moments that I thought, “I wish I had taken the time to write down a bunch of verses that I could have reflected on in this moment.” It was in that little room as we waited on the diagnosis that did come, this scripture journal was born. Throughout the late spring and into early fall I studied and prayed and read commentary from wise pastors on the topic of anxiety and this journal has become one of my greatest tools for working through moments of fear and anxiety. Over the next several weeks I’m going to be sharing more about the bones of this journal and how you can use it to work through your own anxiety. I’m going to be sharing excerpts from the journal and different ways you could utilize it along with some thoughts from friends on how they get into the Word on a consistent basis. It’s my desire that this journal will be a tool that you can use to draw you deeper into scripture and understanding the heart of God. My prayer is for you to start to find freedom in moments of anxiety.
I’m so grateful to get to share this journal with you! Pre-Orders opens this Wednesday, December 11th.
